Ever host a party and just want everyone to leave? Maybe you hate them all. Or maybe it’s time for things to wind down. Here’s how to do it without ever having to ask anyone to leave:
1. Put on an audiobook. Is it all that bumpin n grindin’ on the dance floor that’s making you have a bad time? I dare someone to try to cut a rug to Pride and Prejudice as read by Dame Maggie Smith…. also, nothing halts the dancing libido quite like The Goblet of Fire on full blast.
2. Scat porn. Anyone who doesn’t leave when this is turned on is not worth being friends with.
3. Puke on a table and flip it over. When you do this, your fellow partygoers will know that you’re beyond drunk. You might be crazy. Not only will they know that it’s time to leave, but also time to delete your number.
4. Hide all the alcohol. Save it for yourself. Why share drinks with people you don’t like. If someone you don’t like is enjoying a beverage that you do like, walk up and grab it from them. You’ll need it. You have no friends. Everyone will leave once the alcohol is gone.
5. Bring the puppets out. However, this may backfire and liven up the party. If that happens, it’s time to whip out the doll collection.
6. Roll out the hard drugs. Light a bowl of DMT, and then talk about how much the smell is reminiscent of crack. Begin asking people for pills, gather them, crush, and mix them all into a pile and cut some lines. Start asking everyone if they wanna be in this documentary about addiction you’re participating in. There’s a fine between a good party and a pre-intervention.
7. Bring a bible out and burn it. Also works with a flag, Book of Mormon, or Torah. If all this fails, just set the house on fire.
8. Call 9-1-1. Why? Because you hate everyone at the party and you just want to sleep. People will just think the neighbors’ complained.